whew, life.

welp, my beloved bestie reminded me of what i haven’t been doing ...

blogging.

sooo rather then answer the age old question “how are you?”

i’m going to just tell you all of the random shit that has been bothering me lately.

number 1.

for starters i started cussing again. so #1 is not only something that has changed, its somewhat of a disclaimer. for all those with sensitive eyes?

CLICK THE FUCKIN X, THIS SHIT AINT FOR YOU.

number 2.

welp, #2 is short and sweet. my grades suck. point, blank, PERIOD. and thats the way the cookie crumbles.

i wish yesterday night could have lasted a bit longer, i have missed ranting and discussing mis.c shit with my bestie soo much that idk what to do with myself. while i love my newest sister annisa, its not the same as the bond that i shared with my sisterBESTIEnigga samantha ramJ;A][=[;’R;EJFAtar. soo i suppose its safe to say that

number 3

would be for my bestie who holds me down no matter how far she is. shes the shit&&the urine. as for the people up at albany fuckin with her?

imma just say “stop fuckin with her” and hope you get the message.

god help you if you dont.

number 4

taking a page out a certain brave persons blog, greek life.

love greek life, nothin but good things to say about it.

HOWEVER, im placed with a certain perplexing decision

do i want to pledge?

not to be confused with “WHAT do i want to pledge?” because that ladies and gentleman, is NOT up for question.

=].

i hope to one day share the bond of sisterhood that i witness others experience through their sorority, but i cant help but wonder ...

is this really for me?

its been brought to my attention that some people, change as a result the pledging process.

and i for one don’t want to, and this is my main fear,

me losing myself.

hopefully i get THAT together.

number 5.

this one has to be my second favorite one of the list.

i put it at number five because my FAVORITE is at number six.

we must save the best for last.

i’m finna touch lightly on a subject i call

bitch ass mutha fuckas that ain’t got SHIT better to do then talk about me&&my people.

keep my damn name out ya mouth and stop assuming that my mouth was on the same dick yours was on last year, or if my box is being eatin by the same nigga you kissed last month, ooor if my back is being broke by the nigga that broke yours last week.

stop trying to put ya reputation on me is all i’m saying.

and now that i’m done touching that its time for

number 6

boys&&relationships.

i’m going to be the first to say, its not hard for me to crush on somebody.

i found that i find a little in every boy to like.

as for me to reaaaaally like someone?

for me to really want to INVEST time in a relationship?

that doesn’t come so easy.

now i have had a lot of crushes this year.

a certain mustang driving basketball player

a strollin alpha male

the cool kid freshy

they went no further then the crushes they were.

very simple.

as for the first boy i liked.

smh, this nigga caused me grief.

he couldn’t get his shit together.

for starters how i feel on boys.

i LOVE them

as for some of them ...

namely boys that feel they slick.

lemme be the first nigga to tell you,

YA NOT.

sooo, if i’m not the only chick ya talkin to? let me know.

if i ASK you if i’m the only chick your talking to?

BE HONEST.

and when caught in a lie?

JUST FESS UP.

lying makes everything worse

don’t we learn this shit in fuckin’ 3rd grade?

now the one that i like PRESENTLY

grrr, it’s driving me nuts.

i’m not going to spend long talkin about him b/c its going to borderline make me upset.

but, imma just say this,

i hope you don’t realize too late how much your girl AINT me.

never will be.

not as cute as, smart as, cool as, bold as, flyy as, thick as, musically inclined as, goofy as, caring as, generous as, understanding as, socially awkward yet still loved as

ME.

smh, get that ish together babe.

until then?

i’m not approaching you, so realize that every conversation&&situation b/w us that may occur in the future is solely based on your actions towards me.

there ya goo.

oh&&to end, if i see one more relationship status change on facebook i’m going to cry.

fuck cuffin season ’08.

dueces.

i miss blogging.

i really need to start again.

if only i had something to talk about.

in college.

welp, im having oodles of fun here.

i LOVE it.

(especially all the RANDOM alarms&sirens we have late @ night/early in the morning.)

buuuut; me&annisa have a dilemma.

BOYS! 

they piss us off; 

...yet we miss them so.

want to get rid of them;

...yet want to keep them AROUND.

smh; i could cry if i had working tear ducts.

annisa does though. so she cries for us both.

::sigh::

so much for starting over in college.

eff letting go of the past; especially when you wish ya past was ya present&future.

feeling like a ne-yo&rihanna song right now.

gosh.

what a twisted muh effin world it would be ...

if i treated niggas the way they treat me ...

this the type of ish to create a brand new bee ...

honestly, i feel bad for the people im about to go to school with ...

no more ms. nice girl.

smh.

toodles!

wow.

dang yo.

i aint been on here in DUMB long suhn!!

i kinda miss it.

nothings new tho ...

except i moved ...

&i start college @ mercerU this fall

::TEAR:: 

im growing up.

i've made an excutive decision ...

i DO NOT ...


i repeat DO NOT ... have trust issues. Nor do i have a problem trusting people.

i just dont really like to trust people.

you see, my lack of a WANT to trust people only BECOMES A PROBLEM, when the person whom my DISTRUST is directed at, is ACTUALLY TRUSTWORTHY.

sooooo, being unnecessarily secretive, lying, or just acting SUS PERIOD ... proves you untrustworthy.

so if you are proved untrustworthy, was my distrust REALLY that much of an issue?

hmmmp.

i have trust issues.

no seriously i have trust issues.


im afraid to let someone care about me, so i, in turn, make dumb choices.




SMGDH.

so tight.

yooooo im so EFFIN tight at myself.

im just

stupid

stupid

stupid

stupid

stupid

::iceQUADventiTEAR::

pushing&sleeping

anyone find it ironic that I keep falling asleep on the person im possibly "sleeping on?"


its like i've unlocked the door, but I still havent really let him in.

Like when he gets too close ,
i push him

AWAY.

idek what to say anymore.
idek whats wrong with me, why i cant just STOP pushing.

its so much apart of me that i dont even know that im doing it.

aint THAT ISH a beee?

Dean Scozzaro.

sooo dean scozzaro.



this woman is going to get it.
something TERRIBLE.


She within 15 minutes has ruined this week and next week, my LAST week of school.

soo no prom date quality time on friday.
probably noo classmate quality time on the last day of school.

What Scozzaro said:

"Bianca is very gifted, but her grades have slipped."

Bam Bam's translation:

"Bianca's failing!!! SOUND THE FRIGGEN ALAAARM!!!!!!!!!"

::HUUUGESiiiiGH::

Hopefully, I can work something out.

At least for the last week of school.

smh.

bumology. (Part Deux.)

today in bumology we learned::

HOW TO TEXT YOUR CRUSH DURING SCHOOL

W/O GETTING CAUGHT.

only 3 rules.

1. discretion --> there is a reason this is number one. Cheesing makes you look sus. BE CAREFUL.
2. only completely take out your phone when in the bathroom or around an insanely cool teacher like siemers. all other instances should be completely discret (refer to rule #1)
3. make sure ya phone is fully charged. dying phones are not cool.

thats all for today folks.

class dismissed.

my moral imperative SUCKS.

soo i was real unsure of how to approach this. if i should approach this at all. so if you dont get it thats cool. if you doo thats cool too.

i hate living afraid to express my feelings --> like im hiding them. thats a problem for me.

one thing i hate MORE than that? --> being afraid to ACT on them.


like ever have ya feelings confuse you? its like when you feel a certain way you've never really felt before and you dont really know how to respond.

. . . or know when to act on it?

. . . or know IF to act on it?

you just never know.

so what do you do?
just follow ya gut?
yeaaa, dont ask questions & ya follow ya gut.


or what about ya MORAL IMPERATIVE?

A moral imperative is a principle originating inside a person's mind that
compels that person to act.

what happens when you feel ya moral imperative is telling you to do something different??

mine has generally kept me safe thus far. so why should i not trust it this time?

. . . i think its b/c im learning to trust my heart more.

like its saying:

"imperative?!? what IMPERATIVE? . . . im telling you to not be afraid and just trust ME, ya HEART, for once in ya life. even if you never do it again"



. . . it feels right to me for some reason unknown to me.

yet, i still feel myself pulling away. why?

b/c i know i may not be the only person feeling this way about HIM.

and out of my respect for said person, comes my fear.


fear of what? idk.
being played?

or is it just fear that this may be the first RIGHT in the series of wrongs at the expense of another.


grr. i hate the way i think

invisibilty.

Bee: Sometimes I think I'm invisible to people lol

Bee: Like I'm visible to people who don't matter

Bee: But invisible to those that do

Bee: Oooor visible for the wrong reasons

Bee: And I'm like really tired of it

Sam: u know, i feel that same way sometimes

. . . these niggas today.

so, i know i aint like the most perfect person on the earth

. . . nor the prettiest.

. . . or the coolest.

i dont have the "likeability thing" like sam.

but i still like to think im alright.

actually noooo . . . im more then alright.

I'm tired of being looked over like im chopped liver. like im not "worthy enough" not "fly enough" or other misc. crap like that. When i sit here and bust my behind to be a great person, great friend. sit here and give ADVICE to you about other females EVEN THOUGH i like you.

put myself aside.

yet im still invisible.

it baffles me how you can sit there and waste ya time with some . . . DUMB chick. I must need to put a big sign on my forehead that says im dumb and easy for you to look at me.

not that that makes a damn difference b/c you know what, ya probably gunna get bored in a month anyway.

smh. so when are you going to grow the F up and realize that your a idiot and you've been lookin over

ME.

i dont like to toot my damn horn.

BUT . . .

TOOT M-F'N TOOT NEGRO.

you missin out on a great deal more than you think. this goes faaaar beyond prom.

smh.

bum'ology.

eeeh.

soo im in free, in the ever popular music room. with THEEE COOLEST music teacher in the entire free world today.


(mr. siemers)


. . . he says hello btw.

i've decided that 6th period on C Day, i am studying BUM'OLOGY.(siemers said make it brown like doodoo)

i just sit . . .

. . . and sit.

and dooo NOTHING. yet its fun. =]

hehe. i kinda love my life.

. . . oh urrm.

. . . im bianca btw.

hello.

=]

. . . this is a friggen outrage!

"Collective fear stimulates herd instinct, and tends to produce ferocity toward those who are not regarded as members of the herd."

Bertrand Russell

soo, racism.

yes. RACISM. this needs to be discussed.

being COMPLETELY surrounded be white people all my life is no easy thing. let me tell you. PARTICULARY, when ya black.

today at work i was in probably one of the weirdest situation regarding race I've ever been in. while bending down behind the counter at work a white male, much older than i, walked up to the counter, grabbed a james brown c.d. and said with no hesitation:

"why do they have this "nigger's" c.d. in here."

. . . needless to say. i was angry. actually no, i was absolutely and incredibly FURIOUS.

never in my life, have i been face to face with someone (someone not black lol) who said something like that. (lol, welp i have buut they never had the balls to say this in front of my face)

sooo, when stood up from underneath the counter, i felt my blood boiling but i managed to keep my composure. "hi sir, may i help you?" managed to slip out of my mouth. to my surprise he went on and ordered his drink as if he had never said it.

. . . this made me even more furious. he has the NERVE to call another black person (james brown) a "nigger" in front of my face.

welp, after he ordered his drink. I proceeded to ask him if he needed anything else; unable to contain myself i put on teh nicest smile i could muster and said: "well sir is that all today? perhaps one of the "nigger" c.d's that you oh so appropriately pointed out when you walked in the door?"

. . . now, im not going to finish the story,nor am i going to sit here argue about the word "nigger" or anything of the sort. thats not the point of this blog.

as any mildly educated person can see this is clearly a racist comment. and really and truly i noticed that the MAIN issue with situations like this is, everyone says "oh thats messed up" and brushes it off.

there needs to be a discussion about it. (the point of the blog.) i believe there are 2 MAAAAIN sides to racism.

1. the people who put everything to race.
2. and the ones who act like it doesnt exist.

sooo, i dont wanna preach b/c lord knows im not exempt from some slightly racist comments. we've all said them. however, where is the point where the line is drawn? when do we discuss this, stand up, and say THIS IS A PROBLEM

when do we look at it and say "dang . . . aint this a BEE?"