progression.

new blog.

jealousyrearsitshead.blogspot.com

... i hate people.

now hate is a strong word, but im soooo damn serious.


sooo i grow reaaaal close to these two dudes.
i really considered them like my brothers, nooooo joke.

family?? yup.

got them food, had they back.
had a program?? helped them out.
shxt was cool.

then ALL OF A SUDDEN, nxggas were actin shady.

stopped talkin.
saw me ... it was like a different person
like i wasn't "family"

talkin about i have no loyalty?!?!

WTF DO I HAVE LOYALTY TO??
nxgga clearly we aint friends ...

person #1 doesn't even LOOK at me let alone TALK.
#2?? told me to my face they never really liked me. sooo oh welp.

so ready to leave mercer.

rambles. | .selbmar

so i know how the saying goes ...

shxt happens right??
thats life.

well why does the shxt always seem to occur in MY life??

i mean i’ve been through some shXt in my life&&i’ve managed to overcome.
brush it off.

put a smile on my face the next day.

lately i haven’t been able to do it anymore.
everyday i feel like i get more&&more down.
feeling low about life.

not on some suicidal stuff!!
just kinda lost my motivation to really DO for myself.

i never really have time for myself.
i feel like im always worrying about other things, doing for other people.

i get people coming in my honesty box everyday telling me about how im fxckin this person, suckin this one’s dxck, bein a groupie to someone else.
&&i know it’s just haters.
&&i shouldn’t let that shxt get me down ...

but i just don’t understand why someone could dislike me so much, want to see me hurt like that.

i hate for people to think these bad things about me, especially when i try to be nice and giving to every person i meet. i dont expect everyone to like me, but i do expect some level of respect ... lately i can’t seem to find that.

another thing, i see all my friends go off&&find all these cute little boy toys.
i know i’m not the prettiest girl in the bunch.
im certainly not ugly either.
i figure im cute, i guess. just right.

but i still can’t seem to find someone who just likes me for ME.

i mean, i know ...
i have nice “boobs” nice “ass”
&&i really try not to expect anything from anyone.
but what is it that these other girls have that i don’t?!?!?

what makes her more deserving of that joy than me?!?
idk, i guess im just waiting for my turn.
maybe its the self-esteem issue i have way down deep inside.
i fear that i’m never going to be good enough.
not pretty enough.
or smart enough.
thin enough.
funny enough.
or w/e it is niggas look for now.

idk why i have all these insecurities!!!
it drives me nuts.

i’m young they say ... i have time.
hey, THATS LIFE they say.

honestly, i cry on the inside.
yes the inside, b/c i have no more to shed on the outside.

i’m beginning to not care anymore.
&&all with my “not caring” attitude.
still comes the hurt b/c deep down i really do care.

idk maybe im just rambling.

idk why im feeling so down i guess i’ll just let it go.

progression. (or lack there of)

soooo right now im jsut taking the time to update everyone.

no progress on the crush.
he just wants to be friends.
whoo hoo.
ah welp.
even though, he still calls me to spend time with him. ::rollseyes::

i hate boys. lol.


then there's my honesty box&&peoples need to tell me about my life everyday.
apparently i'm letting the ques run train on me.
::shurg::

oh yea, i do everything they say.
OH&&suckin they dick.

i mean my brothers tell me its just people hatin, wanting to be in my position ... that we have they’re respect and those people don’t buuut ah welp.

sooo in the words of a very wise person

“keep my damn name out ya mouth and stop assuming that my mouth was on the same dick yours was on last year, or if my box is being eatin by the same nigga you kissed last month, ooor if my back is being broke by the nigga that broke yours last week.

stop trying to put ya reputation on me is all i’m saying.”


... hmm i wonder who said that ...

oh wait ...

that was me.

=]

bee*

askin for too much.

sooo yeaaaaa, this past weekend was valentines day weekend.

now as mentioned in previous blogs i liked this nigga ... 

there was that whole debate and all this OTHER bullshxt.

was he talkin to someone?

was he NOT talkin to someone??

did he like me ... did he not.

welp, i got to chill w/him.

right after the DevaSTatingly Naaasty Yardshow&&Party, (goodstuff)

i was with him AAALL valentines day morning.

fell asleep in his arms, WHOOOOLE NINE.

 ... only for him to tell me the next day

"i just want to be friends"

now i've heard this before ...

its the story of my damn life.

i'm the friend

will always be THEE friend

b/c im "cool" or im such a "nigga" that i can hang.

soooo once again i ask why the FXCK am i so damn INVISIBLE.

why am i still the friend.

in explaining it to my friend i was told

"well bianca you expect too much"

i guess in some respects i do.

so i'm sorry that i expect dudes to be honest.

let their actions speak louder then their words.

PERHAPS,if you just wanted to be friends maaaaybe you shouldn't have pursued  me as if you WANTED  a relationship.

PERHAPS, not tell me that you like me.

if you wanted to be friends, approach me like a friend.

&&certainly don't wait for me to ASK you want you to give me a damn answer.

sooo, ONCE again the situation has turned back around on ME,

become my fault.

ALL BECAUSE i ask for too much.

hmmp.

bee*

=[

soooo,

can someone tell me why this hurts sooo bad???

it doesn't even make sense.

there is no relationship or anything.

but dang i REALLY liked this dude.

&&findind out that e likes someone else&&is talking to someone else hurts like a

BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

bee*

my color has officially changed to gray.

soooo, theres this guy ...

alright ...

sooo, yeaaaa ... you guessed it. i've moved on to a NEW guy.

my patience wears thin when things aren't progressing to anything.

so anywhoooots ...

theres this guy ...

&&it's trippin me out because this ain't even a crush anymore yo.

this is full on LIKE.

i just think everything about this guy is unbelievably  cool.

i like the fact he has a _____ and it ACTUALLY works for him&&doesn't look insanely stupid.

the way he talks, its like borderline awkward ... but not @ the same time.

i like how i notice he's smart, not in an obnox. way , but in an attractive way.

i like how he's just him, no questions asked.

heheee. =].

i sooooo need to make him my valentine, =]

feelin like a school girl again ... 

all giddy&&shit.

i can't even add colors&&other misc. shit to this blog.

its THAT serious.

 ... aint this shit a BEEEE.

bee*

i feel all bright&&happy like the color yellow. =]

this post has been altered to protect me